Monday, April 1, 2019

Shopping Shenanigans

It was time for a new leather jacket. The one I had been wearing had served me well ever since Jason slapped it on me early last year. "You need a better look and I'm too fat for this now", he said at the time. It was a good jacket and I got a lot of compliments on it. But, it started to fall apart and now it's in dire need of being retired. So, it was off to the local Wilson's Leather to pick up a new one.

I do most of my apparel purchases online these days. However, if I'm going to drop $300 on a jacket, I'm going to want to see what it looks like on me before I start counting out the cash. Of course, I brought Jason along just to confirm that my choice in jackets didn't make me look like a doofus. Not any more than usual, anyway. We walked into Wilson's and while I looked for a few jackets I liked, Jason skulked around the store looking for ways to annoy me. He spied one of the older sales ladies and brought her over to get her opinion on how the jacket I picked out looked on me.

"How does this jacket look on him?", Jason asked the sales lady while I stared daggers at him. The sales lady began putting her hands on my shoulders and shoulder blades to help gauge the fit of the jacket on me, which made my skin crawl because I hate being touched by strangers. I resisted my urge to scream "I need an adult....I NEED AN ADULT" while the lady checked the fit of my jacket. Satisfied that I didn't look like a goon, I decided to purchase the jacket.

"Do you want to buy some leather protector spay for $6.95?", the saleslady asked me while she rang up my purchase.

"Nah", I said. "I bought a leather sport coat not too long ago. I still have that stuff", I replied.

"Well, you're just amazing. But, I bet you hear that all the time". The sales lady was apparently working hard to hold any potential buyer's remorse in abeyance.

"I do. But it's still nice to hear", I grinned.

Jason's eyes rolled so hard that he nearly got whiplash. "Yeah, you're all pizza and pixie farts, aren't you?"

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of comedy, but, in your case, I'll allow it for this one instance. Just know that I expect more of you", I said in a mock-scolding tone.

The saleslady cut in with "Where did the two of you get your curly hair from?"

"Our mother!", Jason and I replied in unison. Even though we're not related, and I don't have curly hair at all, we're often mistaken for cousins or brothers because of how we interact with each other. The fact that we both replied the same thing quickly just shows how well we know each other.

"I'm sure that all the women love it", the sales-lady said. Geez, she was really working it.

"Well, they love it on ME", I quipped.

Jason rolled his eyes again as he ushered me out of the store.

We happened upon yet another closing retail place and picked through the boxes of random crap for sale. In one box, I found a winter glove that was merged with a windshield scraper.

"What an awesome time we live in", I said out loud. "We must keep this technological marvel from the serfs lest they rise up and dethrone the landed gentry!".

"It's great for when it's really cold out and you have ice on your windshield", the cashier said, having overheard me.

"That's what my daughter is for!", I shot back. And it's true. My daughter, who just got her own car a few months ago, currently finds scraping the windshield to be a novel thing, so she scrapes both her own car and mine.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" a large, well-fed old woman bellowed at me.

"Oh believe me, lady, I AM ashamed of myself. For MANY reasons. None of which have anything to do with my daughter scraping my windshield".

"Whatever. We both know you have no shame", Jason said.

"No....but I have un-iced windshields!".

No comments:

Post a Comment