Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Multi Level Marketers and Ponzi Schemers on Monster.com

After nearly 15 years working for the same company, I started to think that it might be time for a change. To that end, I put my resume up on Monster.com, and, while I got a few decent inquiries from prospective employers, I ended up getting a whole lot more muti-level marketing opportunities. Most of them came in the form of annoying form letters offering me a "great opportunity" to be my own boss while selling whatever shit product they represented. A few aggressive ones actually called me and tried to give me the hard sell until I informed them that I work in IT and have no sales experience nor the desire to develop any. These multi level marketing jobs come from recruiters who merely scrape contact info off of Monster and send form letters to prospects in the hopes that 1% will respond and possibly buy into their ponzi scheme. After a particular annoying weekend call from one of these purveyors, I decided that Clovis had to get involved. He posted a resume on Monster, and, within 12 hours, the multi level marketing offers came pouring in.


I got a few phone calls as well. Most merely hung up when I didn't answer. However, a rep from Tru Green left a message and then sent a follow-up email:
Hi Clovis,  
I wanted to follow up regarding the message I left earlier on your voicemail. Based on the experience listed on your Monster resume, I feel this position will be a great fit for you and I would like to speak with you to provide additional information.  I can be reached at [REDACTED].
Clovis responded to her:
Thank you for your interest. Due to the demands of my current position, I am generally unable to answer the phone for personal calls during working hours. However, I can be reached any time after 4:30 PM and would like to invite you to call me in order to discuss details.  
 
Warm Retards, 
 Clovis 

The rep called right after 4:30. I answered the phone as Rodney from "E.Z. Lay Carpeting Company". When she asked for Clovis, I passed her off to a few different people (which was just me doing different voices) and she quickly hung up. Here's the exchange:



She later e-mailed Clovis explaining her actions:

Hi Clovis,
 I tried to call you back but it was a bit of a circus as different people answered the phone and kept passing it on. Eventually I hung up. Feel free to call me back when you can. Thank you.

Eventually she hung up??? She wasn't on the phone for more than 90 seconds. This could not go unanswered. Clovis responded to her:

I must express my deep disappointment at your low frustration level. I regret to have to inform you that Persistence is one of the key virtues of Salesmanship. Indeed, in my recently published e-book, "The Seven Virtues Of Salesmanship", I detail how my own persistence allowed me to sell carpeting to my dentist while I talked to him through my first root canal. It also details how I was not deterred from selling new tile to my ex-wife AND her lawyer for their new love nest while I was being sued for divorce by grounds of irreconcilable differences. And you bailed out because you had to wade through a few people on the phone in order to get to me? It sounds like the well has been poisoned over there at Tru Green. I have no problem leading a horse to water, but if that water is muddied with unhealthy practices, I cannot, in good conscience, allow that horse to drink. For, you see, Honor is another one of the Seven Virtues Of Salesmanship. There's no honor in hanging up the phone. There is only defeat.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression, but you do get a first chance to take on a second chance the first time. I invite you to show me that my initial assessment of Tru Green is incorrect. I'll leave the method up to you.
 
I Wish You All The Breast!
Clovis

The rep called the next day. Clovis answered and asked her to apologize to the owner of the carpet company for referring to his operation as "a circus". She declined and hung up.


She must have thought better of it, because she called back a few minutes later and offered an apology. She then went into her pitch. Clovis asked that the base salary of $500 per week be upped to $800 and that there be a finder's fee of $300 for him to come into an interview. She refused and eventually referred Clovis to her General Manager. Clovis was impressed that the Manager was General in the Armed Forces and wished to speak to him directly. The rep promptly hung up. Again.

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