Thursday, March 19, 2015

Family Protection Security Calls Me.

I got a robo call from (618) 690-0276. On the other end was an interactive robo named Andy that employed voice recognition technology and then forwarded me to an agent trying to sell me a home security system. These guys try to claim that they work for GE Security, but, they don't. And they might actually offer a security system, but they do so at an incredibly inflated price. I have a particular disdain for these types of callers as they make their living bilking money out of older folks. I had this guy on the phone for nearly 10 minutes, at first messing with him, saying a bunch of goofy things. Some highlights include:

  • I told him I loved technology and had a highly technical Japanese toilet
  • I claimed to be a shut-in who was afraid of being stuck on the toilet
  • I confused "motion sensor" with "emotion sensor" and got excited that the security system would be able to sense my emotions.
  • Me burping several time
  • Upon hearing that a person's home is broken into every 13 seconds, I wondered why that poor person didn't buy a security system and wondered how he'd have anything left taking after being robbed so often.
Once I blew my cover, I lit into the guy on the other end of the phone for earning his money by cheating folks out of theirs. In this guy's attempt to prove he was legit, he gave me another number to call, (310) 362-3060 which ended up to be an invalid number as well.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Goat Simulator

I had been hearing about Goat Simulator from by daughter for the better part of the week. She had seen a "Let's Play" on it from one of her favorite Youtubers and wanted to get it. So, once her report card came back clear, I broke down and bought Goat Simulator for her. Of course, I had to try it out myself in order to make sure it was appropriate.

The developers over at Coffee Stain Studios made Goat Simulator as a fun project for Game Jam and didn't intend to release it to the public. Once public outcry motivated them to release it, the put a little polish on it, slapped a $10 price tag on it and released it out into the world. And, for a $10 game, it's a lot of fun. You're a goat. And you run around head-butting things which leads to horrific screams and Michael Bey-esque explosions. It's basically a "pewdiepie" game. What I mean by that is that it's a game made for the express purpose of filming yourself doing things like blowing up a propane tank and then laughing or screaming your head off, then you run over to the next thing you can interact with and repeat the process so that you get enough footage for a small Youtube clip.

That being said, I haven't had this much fun just mucking about in an open-world game in a long time. Goat Simulator is a fun game to just turn your brain off and explore in. There's a lot of hidden unlockables around the game world and there are a number of zany achievements to try to get. And I haven't even explored any mods yet.

Basically, Goat Simulator is the stupid popular game of the month. It's funny, amusing and worth a bit of cash, but soon enough, we'll all move on, but we've had fun with it, and that's all that matters. I'd say kiddo and I both got $10 worth of entertainment out of it.

These PETA Protestors Won't Appreciate The Irony....

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Brain Storm Elite Calls Me....Twice

There's a supplement out there called Brain Storm Elite that supposedly helps you with focus, memory and other cognitive functions. They called looking for Clovis early the other morning and Clovis expressed concern about explosive-diarrhea as a side effect. The call got cut off. About an hour later, another rep from Brain Storm called and, by then, Clovis figured that he wanted a supplement that would make him forget things rather than help him remember. That particular rep doled out some life-coaching advice for him and then hung up when Clovis claimed to have "A PhD in Awesome!"

As nice as these two reps were, I have no qualms about messing with them, given the rampant reports of Brain Storm engaging in billing fraud. 

Monday, March 9, 2015

Google Shuts Down SoftCard

In a move that should upset about four people, Google has acquired and destroyed SoftCard, the NFC-based (tap-n-pay) mobile payment system developed by Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. Originally known as ISIS Wallet when it was launched in 2010, SoftCard had to change its name in 2014 in order to avoid confusion between it and the terrorist group Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, which was also known under the abbreviation "ISIS". In order to drive users to Softcard, carriers intentionally blocked competing NFC payment systems such as Google Wallet, so, the brain trust behind Softcard are reaping what they've sown here.

My own experience was that, while Softcard had a better UI than Google Wallet, Softcard's ability to actually work was very hit and miss, so I hardly ever used it. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bosley Hair Restoration Doesn't Handle Merkins

I got another call from Bosley Hair Restoration recently. The rep was really polite, so I was able to keep her on the phone for nearly ten minutes. During the course of the call, I pretended to think that Bosley wanted to help me with hearing loss and wondered if I could get super hearing out of it. The poor rep even sat through me musing about potential super hero names and even listened to my super hero theme song. Further into the call, I tried several times to delicately ask if Bosley only replaced hair on one's head. Eventually, I was able to get the rep to tell me that Bosley doesn't restore hair where the sun doesn't shine.

Monday, March 2, 2015

There's Too Much Poop On Mount Everest

Nepal's Chief of Mountaineering, Ang Tshering, has recently said that human waste left by climbers on Mount Everest has become a problem, causing pollution (poo-lution?) and threatening to spread disease on the world’s highest peak. Nearly 700 climbers and guides make the ascent each season and, when they do, they leave all of their feces and urine up there. “Climbers usually dig holes in the snow for their toilet use and leave the human waste there,” Tshering said, adding that the waste has been “piling up” for years around the four camps on Mount Everest. Nepal’s government has not come up with a plan yet to tackle the issue of human waste, but the government imposed new rules last year requiring each climber to bring down to the base camp 18 pounds of trash, which is the amount it estimates a climber discards along the route. Climbers either bring down 18 pounds of trash of forfeit their $4,000 deposit. Guess which one they're probably going to do?

Suffice to say that the feat of climbing Mount Everest has diminished quite a bit since Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay's first trek in 1953. It's certainly still a hazardous and hostile environment, but, when you've got hundreds of inexperienced tourists going up there for that all important #TopOfTheWorld selfie, waste management isn't going to be a priority. And Heaven help you if you die up there, because you won't be coming back either. If you're up for some heartbreak, just do an image search for "Everest bodies". We've essentially turned our tallest mountain into a mountain of shit. Organic matter will decompose up there, as there are several varieties of fungus that live happily in the sub-zero temperatures, but that decomposition happens at a snail's pace. Maybe if we just wait it out, global warming will melt all the snow and the shit will come flowing down with everything else in a big shit avalanche. Shitvalance? Shitnado? I think I just wrote Sci-Fi Channel's next disaster movie.