Friday, May 11, 2012

Another Grandparent Dream

I couldn't sleep last night/this morning. I'm sure that it was due to the herculean amount of Cherry Coke I had downed between the hours of 8PM and 10PM along with the indigestion I had from the new fried chicken recipe I had tried out. I had a hard time getting to sleep, and, when I did, I had some very vivid dreams. One of them included a conversation with my grandparents. They were huge influences in my life and I often mark the passing of my grandmother as the time I truly became an adult.

It was a good dream. Grandma told me how much she liked that I had shaved my goatee. "That's the real you", she said, "I don't like it when you hide who you are behind facial hair".  My grandfather just nodded in agreement. When I woke up, I felt like my spirit had slammed back into my body. It felt like the aftermath of an intense workout. And I felt beautifully sad.


Loss has always been more of a dull ache for me rather than a sharp pain. Grandma died so many years ago, but I still have nights like this where I miss her profoundly. Yet, the way I miss her is different than the way I miss an ex or an old friend. This kind of loss is a slow ache that stays with me in the background and flares up every so often. At the same time, dare I say that I take a little pleasure in it? Missing her is a huge part of my life because it is in this way that I honor what an amazing woman she was and how much of myself I owe to her. It's a good part of my life, not a painful one. Missing her feels good, like stretching sore muscles.

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