Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Jesus Action Figure

I remember when He first arrived in a plain beige envelope in my mailbox nearly 10 years ago. I was due to get married soon and gifts from out-of-towners had begun to arrive. This particular parcel did not contain a return address and, for a moment, I wondered if I was about to become a victim of an anthrax-via-mail attack. Throwing caution to the wind, I ripped open the parcel and out fell a shrink wrapped package along with a post-it note. I picked up the package and my eyes met the most mysterious action figure I had ever encountered. It was Jesus. In action figure form. Complete with kung-fu grip.

Obviously someone knew of my love of toys in general and action figures in particular. But, who had sent Him to me? What purpose was He supposed to serve? Was this a joke? A subtle push towards religion? Some kind of obscure social commentary? What was I supposed to do with Him? Surely the post-it note would reveal some clues. I reached down to pick it up. I turned it over to reveal three words scrawled upon it in perfect script: You are WORTHY.

For weeks, I delighted in taking my Jesus action figure along with me everywhere I went. He accompanied me to work where tech support issues would suddenly resolve themselves upon my arrival. When asked by clients how I had solved the problem, I would smile and say "Jesus works in mysterious ways". I brought him along to my bachelor party which involved a tour of several gentleman's clubs. Action figure Jesus was nestled in my left front pocket. As the entertainer performed her routine on my lap, I asked her if she could feel Jesus. On my wedding day, when asked by friends and family if I was nervous, I calmly replied that I was fine because Jesus was with me. And He was. He was secretly nestled in the inside pocket of my tuxedo jacket. My (now ex) wife was actually amused.

As the years rolled by, the novelty of having a Jesus action figure slowly wore off. I relegated Him to the curiosity shelf of my home office along with several Buddha, a Ganesha and my collection of Spider-Man action figures. While searching for a place to keep the caterpillars from the Live Butterfly Garden, I struck upon the curiosity shelf. I could swear that He looked back at me as I set the caterpillars beside him. "Hello, Jesus", I said. "It has been a long time".

So, in celebration of Holy Thursday, I took action figure Jesus out with me for old time's sake. Jason met up with us to celebrate the upcoming Easter holiday. Jesus once turned water into wine and bread into fish, but I, I explained to my action figure friend, had the power to turn money into beer and french fries into poop. "Your move, Jesus", I said.

At the end of the night, feeling no pain, but still in full control of my faculties, I exited the pub. I was tired. It had been a long day. I really didn't want to drive. So, with a smile and a wink, I looked over at Him and said "Jesus, take the wheel!".

1 comment:

  1. Certainly, the religious image is no plaything and it will not even be in the toy stores shelf. Religious idols are taboo in toys.