Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Twisted Legacy Of F. Scott Fitzgerald

F. Scott Fitzgerald, author of such works as The Great Gatsby, This Side of Paradise and The Beautiful and Damned, is widely regarded as one of the greatest writers of the twentieth century. Indeed, his contemporaries like J.D. Salinger, Ernest Hemingway and T.S. Elliot heaped praise upon him for his writing, often crediting him as an inspiration for their own work.  When he wasn't writing novels or short stories, F. Scott Fitzgerald spent his time working on his lesser known, yet more preferred hobby: trying to plunge the world in chaos.

Born in 1896, F. Scott Fitzgerald was a distant cousin and namesake of Francis Scott Key, author of The Star Spangled Banner. Growing up, Fitzgerald hated our national anthem due to the fact that it was sung to the tune of a popular British drinking song, To Anacreon in Heaven. Embarrassed by this blatant act of plagiarism and horrified that his distant cousin was lauded for his work, Fitzgerald took to alcohol and began to identify with a much closer blood relative: Mary Suratt. Suratt, who was first cousin once removed to F. Scott Fitzgerald, had, by the time of Fitzgerald's birth, already become infamous as one of the masterminds behind the Lincoln assassination. Seeing Suratt as a martyr, F. Scott Fitzgerald became determined to act. Yet he was fearful of being caught, jailed and forced into a life without alcohol. Fitzgerald meticulously planned a covert operation to disrupt the working of the American government by taking the lives of the wives of important government officials. He planned to do so though the use of contaminated feminize hygiene products.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's father had been a prominent salesman for Proctor and Gamble, which, at the time, sold candles door-to-door to housewives. As Proctor and Gamble grew into a multinational seller of consumer goods, F. Scott Fitzgerald used his father's connections to devise a plan with like-minded Proctor and Gamble research scientists to introduce to the market tampons that were too absorbent. So much absorption would substantially increase the growth of the bacteria Staphylococcus aureus, resulting in toxic shock syndrome and death. Fitzgerald had intended to see to it that Elanor Roosevelt, Sarah Jane Garner and even Bess Truman used the contaminated products, thus causing their deaths. This would result in a terrible distraction for the American leaders, keeping the United States out of World War II and ensuring a Nazi victory. It's not that F. Scott Fitzgerald was a Nazi sympathizer; he just wanted the world to remain in an era of despair so that his novels, which were primarily about struggle and strife, would keep selling.

Illness due to alcoholism would get the better of F. Scott Fitzgerald and his plan would not be put into action. Decades later, however, while rummaging through old files in the hopes of resurrecting old ideas, researchers at Proctor and Gamble stumbled upon the formula for the super-absorbent tampon that Fitzgerald had planned to use. Not knowing its origin, the Rely tampon was swiftly put into production in 1980. Thirty-eight deaths resulted from the toxic shock syndrome cases caused by the tampon.

2 comments:

  1. this was obviously written by some human high off LSD.

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