Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Uncle Max Is At It Again

I haven't heard much from my Uncle Max lately. The last I heard from him, he had been involved in yet another whirlwind romance with some random woman he met at Denny's. Max referred to her as the hottest 62-year-old pancake waitress he'd ever met. With Max at 74-years old, many people said he was robbing the cradle. I think it would be more accurate to say that she was robbing the grave.

They had a Shrek themed wedding a few months ago. This would mark Uncle Max's 8th wedding. In order to save money on invitations, Max took a batch that he didn't use from his 7th wedding, crossed out the bride's name on each one and wrote "That waitress from Denny's" over it. They honeymooned in a place that Max had often dubbed "The Happiest Place On Earth": Tiajuana. My family, as usual, weren't surprised or impressed by the latest antics of my father's step-brother, so we stayed away from the entire affair. We knew that this marriage, like so many of Max's previous ones, would not last long. Still, we made excuses as to why we couldn't attend, encouraged him for finally finding "the one" and wished him well.

As usual, this union didn't last longer than a few months. Apparently, he took his new wife out clothes shopping. She was trying on dresses and said "Everything makes me look fat, ugly and old! You need to pay me a compliment". To which Max replied "You've got excellent eyesight".

I got a postcard from him last week with a picture of himself and some as-yet unidentified woman. He's in California now. Max was short on details and didn't say what he had been up to since his latest divorce. Instead, he wrote that he wants to be one of those people who, when he reaches the end of his life, gets their head cryogenically frozen, wakes up in a new, strong, android body 10,000 years in the future and proceeds to lead the human race to victory over the alien insect overlords.

Same old Uncle Max. Stay classy.

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