Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Universe's Corey Force Is Now Unbalanced

Corey Haim (December 23, 1971 – March 10, 2010)

Poor Corey Feldman was seen wandering Haimlessly through the streets of L.A. this past weekend. The death of his longtime friend, Corey Haim, would, on the surface, seem like no more than the tragic death of yet another fallen Hollywood star. It's a death made all the more sad by the fact that Corey Haim seemed to have been turning his life around. The reality, however, is far worse than most people could have possibly imagined.

The Two Coreys

On July 16, 1971, a great evil was born into this world. After the death of Jim Morrison earlier that month, a turbulent void of raw celestial power seeped into this world from another dimension. The Mayans referred to this energy as "The Corey Force", a unified power with good and evil halves intertwined. Morrison's death not only allowed the Corey Force into this world, but also split it into its two component halves. Once free, the Dark Corey Force corrupted the soul of the unborn Corey Feldman and imbued him with the essence of evil. Mayan prophets predicted that the Corey Feldman would wreak untold amounts of destruction upon this world if left unchecked.

Indeed, in the months after his birth, the Feldman's evil influence was felt throughout the world in numerous ways: 
  • Border skirmishes erupted between Tanzania and Uganda. 
  • Alaska Airlines Flight 1866 crashed into a mountain, killing all 111 people aboard. 
  • A cyclone in the Bay of Bengal killed 10,000 people in India. 
  • Walt Disney World opened in Orlando, Florida.


The Birth Of Corey Haim

Thankfully, on December 23 of that same year, Corey Haim was bathed in the Light Corey Force and, thus, the world was brought back into balance. For decades, the two Coreys fought a cosmic cold war against each other. Together, their combined powers could bring about harmonic convergence and Hollywood box office gold. Apart, however, the best they could manage were movies like "Meatballs 4" and "Shooter On The Side". Sooner or later, one side had to prevail.

The Death Of Corey Haim

On March 10, 2010, radical Corey Feldman cultists spiked Haim's cold medicine with a rare Guatemalan herb, causing him to develop the pulmonary edema that resulted in his death, thus fulfilling the Mayan prophecy. As we near the end of the Mayan long count calendar and careen towards 2012, the Corey force is out of balance. With Corey Feldman running free and unchecked, its strength with continue to grow, thus ensuring the eventual apocalypse of 2012.

Corey Feldman Dooms Us All

Come December 21, 2012, we are doomed. Humanity will certainly live on, but the great evil that is The Corey Feldman Force will have reached the pinnacle of its power and evil will reign on Earth. It's best to repent now and prepare for the inevitable. That Corey Haim was our last hope.


  1. Okay it's kinda funny. It's really sad though. I've never been more upset about any Hollywood death and I'm an adult, I've seen it all by now.

    I believe any Corey we saw on film was medicated if not totally lit. But that's half my childhood fantasy life gone, right there.

    I keep thinking he died of a broken heart.

  2. All this time, I thought Haim was the evil one.

  3. i got a giggle outta this. i know i watched bits and pcs of that reality show The Two Coreys, or whatever they named it, and Haim just never seemed to have his life in order, or priorities straight. who would have thought feldman would be the one to settle down, get married and have a decent homelife.

    RIP Haim!