Tuesday, December 15, 2009

An Open Letter To Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

If you compare me to the celebrities and the politicians, I've been pretty good this year. Relatively speaking.

Yes, I was the one who tipped off the tabloids to Tiger Woods' little extra-curricular activities. I figured a mega-scandal like this would push him out of the limelight for a while. I thought I was doing everyone a public service! How was I supposed to know his wife would go all Chris Brown on him?

Also, I admit it, I was the one who put the exploding cantelope chunklets in the fruit salad at the mathematics convention earlier this year. Dr. Grace's hands are fine now. Nobody needs all ten fingers these days anyway.

I guess that the less that is said about the "Fluffy" incident, the better. Let me just say, though, that as God is my witness, I thought Pomeranians could fly.

Being "naughty" is a matter of degrees, isn't it? With all the dubious goings on happening in the world today, surely I rank well below the likes of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-il and Sarah Palin on your naughty list. That being the case, let's make with the Christmas list, shall we? I've tried to be more reasonable this year.

What do you get the nerd who has almost everything? Here's a brief rundown:

  • A bottle of Sam Adams Utopias Beer. It normally runs about $100 a bottle. I know that's a lot, but, hey, if you can build a toy factory at the North Pole that pumps out gifts that seem to be exact copies of popular toys, then surely you can build a brewery and have those elves brew me up a bottle or two.
  • The Phantom USB Keystroker. This opens up tons of possibilities for pranking.
  • USB Doomsday Device: Last year, you failed to bring me a castle just like Dr. Doom's like I had asked for (again). I'm a reasonable guy. This should be easier to fulfill This isn't even a real doomsday device......or is it?
  • The 2010 Demotivational Calendar. As if I hadn't been demotivated enough in 2009.
  • The Cubes! I must have them all! These have such great movie making potential. Appeal to my creativity while you contribute to my delinquency. I'll even give you an "Associate Producer" credit on all the videos I make with these things.
There you have it, Santa. Another year, another Christmas list. I'll leave you the requisite cookies and milk, and you make with the present giving. AND DON'T YOU CHEAP OUT ON ME AGAIN!

Merry Freaking Christmas.


    1 comment:

    1. i LOVE thinkgeek.com! that site has so much fun stuff. my one friend has an arsenal of tshirts from that site, but my simple fav is the binary clock.

      have a good one! (btw.. i just realized you had this site.. LOL i'm so outta the loop sometimes!!!) so you'll be getting comments on stuff you probably wrote months ago! lol