Monday, June 1, 2009

The McRib Tour And William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language and the world's pre-eminent dramatist. Suspiciously, very little is known about the man before 1585, when he appeared in London and founded the Lord Chamberlain's Men acting troupe. Shakespeare's works have greatly influenced subsequent theater and literature, through their innovative use of plot, language, and genre. Shakespeare is perhaps best known for expressing the wide range of the human experience. He created complete human beings at a time when characters in many plays were either flat, or merely archetypes. Thus characters such as Macbeth and Shylock could commit despicable acts, yet still command the audience's sympathy because they were flawed human beings, rather than one dimensional monsters. How did a man, supposedly from 16th Century accomplish all that? Because he wasn't from the 16th Century at all.

I have it on good authority that the man we know as William Shakespeare was really a cyborg from the 23rd Century sent back in time to shore up the pillars of Western Civilization in order to hasten the creation of the McRib sandwich. Now, you might think that the McRib is just a few chunks of meat formed together to look like a slab of boneless ribs. Personally, I always thought the damn thing was just made out of Elmer's Glue and MSG. However, the shocking truth is that McDonald's has pioneered the technology to de-calcify bone into an edible substance, thus giving the McRib its signature addictive taste. Had it not been for this technology, McDonald's would have had to resort to genetically engineering boneless pigs which would have resulted in the eventual extinction of the pig, thus forcing the McRibs of the 23rd Century to be made from boneless cat ribs. And have you ever tasted cat meat? Well, if you've ever eaten at Panda Express, you have. But, that's another conspiracy altogether.

We're through the looking glass here, people, and, the next time you need to know where the McRib is showing up next, or you'd like to follow the McRib tour as it winds its way around every McDonald's in the country, remember to thank our old pal William Shakespeare for making the creation of the McRib possible.

11 comments:

  1. utterly ridiculous.
    totally unbelievable.
    yet unmistakenly hilarious!

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  2. LoL Tommy MacRib....Just showing your blog some love! PS: You are hilarious! =D

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  3. It starts out all serious and then gets all "TommyMac" in the second paragraph. I like it.

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  4. I have to say, that is the most believable thing ever said about the Bard.

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  5. You might ask how it is I know all of this about old William. I'll never tell. NEVER!

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  6. THAT explains why Ophelia drowned herself! She had fallen in love with Hamlet, only to discover him furtively changing the fuel cells in his cranium one morning when he thought no one was looking! The "to be or not to be" conundrum was the result of faulty logic circuits!

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  7. Oh God, oh God, oh God. I now know why I shun Asian food, especially since my nail tech from Vietnam also thinks my kitties should be dinner. The Mickey D Chicken Selects are still ok, right? RIGHT?

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  8. You are fascinating. I can't choose which I like better, the boneless pig theory or the Panda kitty menu. Each rings true of fast food - do we ever know what we are eating out? Tastefully done and well written!

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  9. A great post! : )
    I will never be able to read Shakespeare without thinking of the McRib!

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