Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I Place A Call To Extenze

I'm getting tired of those Extenze commercials. These pills promise to "make a man larger" using the colorful euphemism, "male enhancement". I get that they have to dance around the FCC rules, but why can't they just come out and say what the freaking thing does? I often wondered what would happen if someone called up and totally misunderstood the purpose of the product.

I called the good folks over at Extenze last night posing as a rube who thought that the pills would make him taller. I kept asking questions as the call went on and, after every answer, the customer service rep would say "shall I start your order now so you can start enjoying this product?". I kept her on the phone for over 18 minutes before she finally gave up.

The entire conversation is available if you want to listen to it.

However, if you don't have the patience to sit through it, here's a quick run down:

1:46 - The rep confirms that the pill will make me taller
2:20 - I ask if it'll make my midget wife taller too
2:42 - I explain that I'm a leg man, but I don't mind butts
3:12 - I ask if it will make my dog bigger, because he was the runt of the litter.
3:55 - I hope the pill won't make me too tall, even though I'd like to be able to dunk on the basketball court
4:28 - I ask the rep where she's from and how she was trained.
4:45 - Rep's first attempt to get me to hang up.
5:17 - The rep finally utters the word "Penis"
5:25 - Do I need a prescription?
6:11 - I ask if it will put more meat on my pig
6:40 - Rep tries to get me to hang up again
7:24 - I tell her I don't know what "postage" is.
8:04 - I wonder why I need "shipping" if I don't own any boats
8:30 - I ask my cousin Cletus if he knows why I need shipping if I don't own a boat
8:53 - I worry about having to buy new clothes for when I get taller
9:02 - Rep flat out says she doesn't think I am going to place an order
10:40 - Finally get her back on track by asking about the 97 cent deal.
10:52 - She insists upon getting my credit card so she can process the order while she answers my questions
11:08 - I compliment her sales skills and ask her where she was trained
11:41 - They don't take Sam's Club coupons
12:10 - She offers to process my order using the work visa I was issued to travel in Mexico
12:45 - I offer to send her 97 cents worth of stamps so she can send me the package.
14:21 - Rep asks if I am being skeptical. I take offense and tell her to stop calling me names
15:13 - I ask if she gets in trouble if she hangs up the phone
16:00 - I ask if they sell memory pills
16:40 - I ask what "male enhancement" is supposed to mean. She says if I called, I should already know
17:23 - She explains that "enhancement" means "potential growth in length and width". I ask her why I would want to grow plants and weeds.
18:11 - The rep accuses me again of not wanting to place an order
18:21 - She finally hangs up

8 comments:

  1. You should be a comedian. What a great sense of humor! It is like the drugs they advertise on television and then VERY quickly list the side effects (so you won't have time to think about it). It's amazing how many people run to their doctors for the drug. Isn't that a bit like being drug pushers? Why aren't they tossed in jail? Keep up the writing, we need more of people of intelligence with a sense of comedy!

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  2. Harassing those fine folks at the Extenze for Men company is a hoot; you must have a lot of time on your hands!

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  3. bravo, bravo. I did this once with a telephone lightbulb salesman, who wanted to sell me 24 lifetime bulbs for only 7.95 each. I finally got the poor kid down to one and then said, maybe not...and hung up. I don't think I ever got another call from them. lol.

    You did good. Twenty minutes out of your life is also twenty minutes out of the rep's life, too. It evens out...

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  5. that was amazing. i cant stand waking up to the goddam extenze infomercial every morning it drives me crazy. if they actually made a pill that worked for the purpose of "male enhancement" lets be real it would have to be approved by the fda and every man would be taking it. great prank on these scammers, and i think its great that they had the balls to post on this topic.

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  6. question,my Boyfriend and I thought of takeing the pill but we are wondering if there is a side effect to this pill,and if it realy works?.

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