Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Terrifying Secret Of Daylight Savings Time

Millions of Americans across the country lost an hour of sleep this past weekend as they were forced to set their clocks an hour forward in order to switch over to Daylight Savings Time (DST). The folks in charge would like you to believe that there are perfectly logical reasons for the switch; it helps out the farmers, conserves energy and keeps school children from having to walk to school in the dark. It's a nice story, but it's nowhere near the truth. The truth is, farmers generally oppose DST because farmers wake with the sun no matter what time it rises and it pisses them off to have to change their schedule so that they can conduct business (selling crops, buying materials, etc) at the appropriate time. A number of recent studies have also concluded that the demand for energy may actually increase by 1 - 4 percent while also slightly increasing the U.S. demand for gasoline. Some studies have shown a small decrease in traffic fatalities and violent crime due to the use of DST, but those decreases are so small as to be statistically insignificant.

Did you know that the annual "Spring Forward" event actually increases the risk of suicide? A recent study in Australia shows an increase in the suicide rate in the weeks following the shift to daylight savings time. This may be due to the disruption of sleep patterns. Also, changes in actual daylight may lead to increased depression. Why is this significant? Because those in control want to use DST to smite their enemies and make it look like suicide.

Last year, just after the switch over weekend, 911 dispatchers fielded a call by Heather Locklear's psychologist over concerns that she might try to take an overdose of depression medication. Don't worry, she's okay, and now she has something to talk about the next time she's on Larry King promoting an autobiography. Besides, Locklear wasn't the target last year. It was Britney Spears. You see, Ms. Spears is privy to the truth about DST. She knows why it is REALLY happening and the people in charge want her out of the way. Those custody issues and the legal entanglements and the scuffles with the paporazzi have been orchestrated by the folks in charge to both discredit Ms. Spears and push her over the edge. Their plan failed, and it will soon be revealed that DST is actually a front for a shocking scientific discovery.

Back in 1911, the experiments of Ernest Rutherford led to the splitting of the atom. This was the first occasion on which an atomic nucleus of one element had been successfully changed to a different nucleus via artificial means. This small event caused a micro black hole to open up. Black holes are known for their time distortion effects, and, by the time World War I started, Rutherford's black hole had grown large enough to slightly distort time within our solar system. The general population was on the verge of discovering this phenomena, so, to cover it up, the United States government instituted Daylight Savings Time. Just after World War I, the black hole collapsed upon itself and everything went back to normal. However, experiments with bombarding alpha particles against uranium, which would eventually lead to the invention of the atomic bomb, once again opened a black hole. This one was much more stable than Rutherford's. Once again, time was being distorted and the populace had to change their clocks twice a year in order to account for the disruptions in the space/time continuum.

This micro-sized black hole holds the potential for more sinister applications, which is why they are trying to keep it a secret from everyone. Last year alone, the black hole was responsible for 3,476 spontaneous disappearances of random individuals, 14,591 instances of inanimate objects trasnported from one place to another (ever put an object in one room and then found it in another? That's the black hole!) and 24 unexplained pregnancies. Britney Spears, as a high ranking member of the Illuminati (she answers only to Paris Hilton), has been at the forefront of the fight to reveal this secret to the world. Her career as a vapid, talentless pop star has only been a cover. And, thankfully, she dodged a bullet this year, so she will live to fight on and reveal this terrifying secret to the world.

1 comment:

  1. Ahh the secrets of what is really going to happen in 2012 are coming out!