Friday, December 9, 2016

Why Is Braith In My Home After I Adopted Lucia

No matter how immersed I may get in a Bethesda game, I don't generally get a case of "the feels" when I'm guilt tripped by NPCs within the game. In Skyrim, I'm not moved by Delvin's scolding me after I quit a Thieves Guild job. I don't really care about what led Aventus Aretino to perform the Black Sacrament (I care even less about whether he's a Nord or an Imperial). Yet, for some reason, young Lucia's story about losing her mother and being kicked off the farm by her aunt and uncle got to me. So, I adopted her and sent her off to my home in Lakeview Manor to be taken care of by my Housecarl.

When I arrived home after adopting her, I noticed that Whiterun's brattiest bratface, Braith was also in my house for some reason. Had I accidentally adopted her too (all these Skyrim kids look alike to me)? Horrible! She's the only character more annoying than Nazeem! Anyway, after bitching a bit, she left the house. I don't know what glitch ended up entangling her with Lucia briefly, but I certainly hope that Lucia doesn't invite her over to play anymore.


Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Fake Warranty Scammers Call Me

This is a pretty typical scam, and I think I've posted about it before. Someone calls you claiming that your car's warranty is about to expire and they offer to hook you back up for a nominal fee. Of course, they don't offer any real coverage and if you end up actually needing a repair, you'll find out that you've got no actual coverage. So, when these jokers called Clovis, he decided to have a little fun.


  • When the first rep heard Clovis' accent, he somewhat aped it himself. 
  • Clovis bragged about the amount of side-action he got in the back seat of the car
  • Clovis also wondered what the rep meant by Board Underwriter. Clovis wondered how someone writes under a board and/or why the underwriter was so bored. 
  • The second rep had a little less patience. When Clovis said that the only leaking fluid issues he had was in his bed after a night of heavy drinking, the rep laughed, but it seemed forced. 
  • The rep put Clovis on hold the second he said that he doesn't need his engine covered because his car has no engine. 

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Even The Giants Of Skyrim Can't Stop Pop-Up Ads

We all know that advertising has had to constantly evolve in order to stay ahead of various methods of viral advertising. It has gotten to the point where it is often hard to tell the difference between real content and an ad. Skyrim is apparently no different. While exiting my home in Lakeview, I noticed a courier approaching. No doubt he had a letter for me. Perhaps it was the telegram from Ed McMahon that I had been waiting for. Before he could deliver it, the giant that has been hanging around my property (that's what I get for building out in the boonies) chased him down and beat him to death. While I walked back to my home, another courier appeared and gave me the intended message: An advertisement for the opening of a museum in Dawnstar. Great. Another viral ad.


Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Trump Mention Triggers Credit Card Scammer

Clovis is a very ardent, unapologetic Trump supporter. So, it's really no wonder that, when a credit card scammer with a foreign accent called him recently, Clovis felt inclined to mention that Tump's campaign promises related to immigration. The mere mention of Trump sent the caller into a frenzy, shouting insults and making threats. The scammer then hung up the phone in order to retreat to his safe space.


Friday, November 18, 2016

Busier Than A One-Legged Assaultron In An Ass Kicking Contest

I've been playing through the Nuka-World DLC for Fallout 4 and found myself in the World Of Refreshment. As I approached the computer in the Nuka-Cola bottling plant, I got flanked by three Assaultrons. I was able to cripple one by shooting one of its legs off. It fell to the floor, so I hacked it, de-activated it and fell back to deal with the other two. Once that was done, I went outside, explored a bit, came back in and then got ambushed by Nukalurks. I thought it would be a good idea to lure the Nukalurks to the disabled Assaultron and have it self-destruct. But, when I got there, the Assaultron was standing up leaning against the wall rather than laying on the floor. I activated it and incited it to attack, and it acted as if its leg were still attached even though it clearly wasn't. Check out the video below:


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

President Trump

It seems that 2016 just keeps on giving. First the Cubs win the World Series, then Trump defies all polls and expectations and wins the office of President of the United States. Not only that, but the Republicans have secured a majority in both the House and Senate which means the Supreme Court is due to shift conservative. Surely, the giant meteor is only weeks away from bearing down on us.

Over the coming months/years the Democratic National Committee will no doubt be working on its post-mortum in the hopes of identifying the causes for Hillary Clinton's stunning loss. One of the excuses that is already spinning out of the minds of some of the more radical pundits is that people voted against Hillary Clinton because she is a woman. That's right, people are actually claiming that that nation was not yet ready to have a woman in the Oval Office so they voted against Hillary simply because of her gender. This would have been the fate of any woman on the ticket, they claim. Bullshit, I say.

While I concede that there may be a small yet vocal minority who voted against Hillary because of her gender, her being a woman was not a factor for the vast majority of people who voted against her. The fact that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote is a clear indication that enough people were willing to elect a female President. The problem resides with the candidate herself, not with her gender. During an election cycle where many people feel disaffected and were on the lookout for a political outsider, the Democratic Party threw its own outsider under the bus in favor of the biggest insider they had. A candidate who began her political life by carpetbagging her way to a New York Senate seat. A candidate who consistently lied about trivial matters like being under sniper fire in Bosnia or her daughter jogging through the World Trade Center on 9/11 just so she could seem more "presidential". A candidate who, despite already knowing the potential consequences (see George W. Bush and 22 million missing emails), set up a private email server and conducted political business on it. A candidate who claimed that she would hold Wall Street to the fire, yet refused to release the transcripts of the speeches she was paid to make for them. A candidate who rewarded Debbie Wasserman Schultz, disgraced DNC chair, with a position on the campaign trail. And, yet instead of addressing these issues head-on, Clinton decided to ignore them and focus instead on Trump's personal negatives. The Clinton camp tried to have you believe that voting for Trump was an endorsement of all the terrible things he said which is like saying that Germans who had grievances with the Treaty of Versailles supported the Nazi party. It's possible to support some things about a candidate but not others. And, yet the Trump campaign never tried to equate a vote for Clinton with endorsement of her corruption. Is it any wonder that, when given the choice between a shit-talking celebrity blowhard and a corrupt political insider, a significant amount of people decided to go with the blowhard?

That's not to say that the Trump campaign bungled its way to victory. They didn't. They won because they played to the disaffected white-collar Americans whereas Clinton played to the disaffected minorities. This allowed Trump to pick up the key swing states, especially those in the so-called Rust Belt (It didn't help that Hillary didn't set foot in Wisconsin during the general election and blindly believed that Bernie supporters who delivered the state to him in the primaries would just fall in line) Clinton played identity politics in an environment that was more concerned about class politics.

In the end, exit polls suggest that neither side were very enthusiastic about their candidates. They distrusted both of them, yet somehow managed to hold their noses and cast their votes for what they saw as the least of two evils. People who voted for Trump hated his stance on women and minorities. People who voted for Hillary hated her scandal-plagued political career. The result was a victory for Trump. Hillary lost not because she's a woman, but because's she's Hillary.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Some Thoughts On The Upcoming Election

It occurs to me that one of the disadvantages of Daylight Savings Time is that, when we turned our clocks back, it meant that we'd have to endure an extra hour of this year's election season. This year's Presidential campaign has been particularly nasty, so much so that it makes Grover Cleveland vs John G. Blaine look like a box social. Whatever happened to "Let the best man (person) win"? Whatever happened to "My worthy opponent...."?

While mulling over the Cubs' recent victory at the World Series, I was struck by something. Not once during the whole event did any player put down a player from the other side. There was no trash talk, just talk about strategy, playing hard and trusting in your teammates. Can you imagine what a Presidential campaign would be like if the candidates held themselves to this kind of standard?

Trump: "I'm happy to have gotten this far and I hope that I can bring the party to victory!"

Clinton: "I'm just going to give it my best shot, and, Lord willing, things will work out."

Trump: "I'm going to have to be ready to campaign, because you know she will."

Clinton: "My opponent is a great campaigner, and that means I have to be a better campaigner."

Trump: "I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God because It is really not up to me, it's up to him. And I want to thank the devil too because you know, that's why God's there. He's minding the fence making sure that guy never comes back. You know, if it weren't for the devil, God would  probably gone insane, blow his brains out from boredom. Everybody likes to feel useful. Make-a-da world go around."

Clinton: "We gotta take 'em one state at a time."

Sure, it's not high on drama. And there isn't really any insight in what they'd be saying. But, given the highly toxic nature of the last few election cycles, I think most of us would be happy if we could go through one that was a little on the boring side.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Agent Skinner Scams 60 People A Day

A guy referring to himself as "Agent Skinner" called yesterday with yet another one of those "lower your interest rate" deals where they try to scam you into giving up your credit card information. I was actually surprised to find that this particular scammer wasn't Indian, rather, he was Jamaican. I've mentioned before that Jamaica is becoming a hotbed of call centers. It was only a matter of time before I pulled one.

Anyway, the guy seemed to get a bit annoyed when, after being asked for the expiration date of my credit card, I told him I'd wait for him to get a pen. When I finally let loose with my usual insult, he was very disappointed, as I was apparently the second person to mess with him that day. I asked him who could fall for this obvious scam, and he told me that he gets about 60 people a day. He hung up when I referred to him as "a piece of human garbage".

Thursday, November 3, 2016

CUBS WIN!

Somewhere, deep within the depths of Hell, Satan is lacing up his ice skates. For the first time since 1908, the Chicago Cubs have won the World Series. This morning, my Facebook News Feed is filled with die-hard and fair-weather Cubs Fans celebrating the victory. Some are even saying that it's a moment that they'll tell their grandchildren about. I can just see how this conversation would go with mine, some 20 years from now:

"Grandpa, where were you when the Cubs won The World Series?"

"I was in bed with Grandma. I'm a White Sox fan!"

Still, 108 years is a long time to wait between pennants. It's pretty humbling to think of all the events that happened in the world in those years:


  • The Ottoman Empire fell
  • Women got the right to vote in the United States
  • The rise and fall of Communism
  • Five states were admitted to the union
  • Haley's Comet passed by. Twice. 
  • Fourteen teams were added to Major League Baseball
  • Wrigley Field was built (The Cubs originally played at West Side Grounds). 
  • Jack Brickhouse was born and died. 
  • Harry Caray was born and died. 
  • Thirty-three elements were identified on the Periodic Table
  • The White Sox won The World Series. Twice. 

Anyway, good on you Cubs for finally getting around to winning the title and for throwing the shackles of "The Curse Of The Goat" off. I'm honestly happy for you and all of your fans. And maybe now I won't have to hear that damn "Go Cubs Go" song for a while. 

Friday, October 14, 2016

Hilton Honor Telemarketer Calls

A lady claiming to be named Genesis Eden from Hilton Honors called recently trying to sell me on some trip to Hawaii. I told her that I wouldn't need such a trip because I already live in Hawaii. She switched gears pretty quick and tried to sell me on a trip somewhere in the "conjoined" (I'm sure she meant "contiguous") states. When she hit upon selling me on a trip to Vegas, I went into a few verses of "That Word Broadminded" and tried to sell her on accepting Jesus as her personal savior. This really seemed to piss her off for she chose to remind me that her name was "Genesis Eden" as if that made her some sort of spiritual badass. When I suggested that she might have been so-named because she was a Phil Collins fan, she finally hung up on me.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Ass Cream Cake

So, would ass cream be a type of fondant made from the gluetal region or would be some sort of emulsified butt by-product used as a filling? Either way, I've lost my appetite.


Monday, September 26, 2016

Prudential Multilevel Marketer Calls Me

Even though he hasn't updated his resume in three months, it seems that Clovis is still in demand. Recruiters who push multi-level marketing schemes keep e-mailing him to see if he's interested in joining their team. Most of them don't bother reading his resume. If they did, they'd realize that the first paragraph has a disclaimer stating that anyone who contacts Clovis agrees to pay a $20 contact fee. Some poor sap pushing Prudential products got caught unaware when I asked him whether or not he had actually read the resume. Upon reading the first paragraph aloud, he hung up.


Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Popular Drinks At Sandals Royal Caribbean

I've drank more alcohol this week than I have in the past six months. Much of that has been in the form of Red Stripe beer, but more and more, I find myself indulging in mixed drinks while the wife and I lounge on the beach and stare out at the ocean. There are a lot of different drinks that the bartenders can make for you at Sandals Royal Caribbean. I'll list the more popular ones down below:


  • Jamaican Smile
  • Dirty Banana
  • Sky Juice
  • Bomb Pop
  • Buffalo Soldier 
  • Rum Punch
  • Ziggy Marly
  • Spicy Red Eye

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

The Luminous Lagoon

We can't just sit on the beach all day, can we? Well, with our butler bringing us drinks and snacks and doing everything for us short of wiping our asses, we most definitely CAN sit on the beach all day. That's why we book a night time excursion to swim in the glistening waters of the famous Luminous Lagoon. Montego Bay's luminous lagoon is a shallow lagoon of brackish water that is a habitat to a unique species of dinoflagellate. These phytoplankton emit a bioluminescencent blue-green glow when disturbed by people swimming or by boat engines cutting through the water.

We booked our excursion through the Sandals desk so all we had to do was wait outside at the appointed time and a car came around to pick us up. We traveled for about 20 minutes before reaching a somewhat seedy hotel/bar where we were invited to have a complimentary drink. We declined. I started to wonder about the possibility of waking up in a bathtub with a kidney missing. We waited for everyone else to arrive while a small dance troupe danced on stage. After about another 20 minutes of waiting, we all crowded into a boat and set off into the middle of the lagoon. Along the way, the driver explained to us how the bioluminesence worked. We were able to see the blue-green glow being emitted behind the outboard motor.

Photoshop Enhanced Picture I took In the Lagoon
We were soon encouraged to jump into the water to experience the glow of the luminous lagoon for ourselves. Sounds cool, right? Well, I'm thinking that the phytoplankton weren't feeling to luminous tonight because we could see nary a glow when we jumped into the water. It made me wonder for a moment if perhaps the boat's motor had some sort of tank containing glowing paint. The temperature of the water was pretty cold which may have had something to do with the general lack of glowing activity.  Everyone was pretty disappointed at the coldness of the water, the muddiness of the bottom of the lagoon and the overall lack of activity. And, at $60 a person, I can't blame them. Then there's the camera guy. He's happy to take pictures of you splashing about in the lagoon and then sell you the photos for $25. The best he could do for us was to have us sit near the motor while it was running while he took a series of pics. Not much came of him shooting pictures of people while they were in the water.


Monday, September 12, 2016

Club Mobay

We landed at Donald Sangster International Airport in Montego Bay, Jamaica this afternoon. Before flying out, I booked a VIP arrival service for us called Club Mobay. Upon leaving the plane, we were greeting by a Club Mobay representative holding a placard with our names on it (My exclamation of "Woah! That lady has the same names as us!" was not appreciated). The Club Mobay representative led us through terminal, took us to baggage claim, fast tracked us through customs and immigration (while everyone else waited in line) and then brought us to the lounge to relax and have a few drinks while we waited for the Sandals transport to take us to the resort. Even though the lines in customs didn't appear to be too terribly long, we were very happy to have someone take us through the entire process just so we knew exactly what would be expected of us. So, for arrival service, I would definitely say that Club Mobay was worth the price.